Fire

Every time you doubt his existence, God laughs

Disenrage is where I write thoughts on life and spirituality. This is the human perspective. If you’re looking for my unwoke work (the polar opposite of this), head over here.

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Tonight’s soundtrack:

About four hours ago, I was crying.

I was sitting in my office with tears rolling down my cheeks from something that in and of itself wasn’t a big thing, but that triggered a whole bunch of baggage in me that I didn’t even know I hadn’t managed.

That’s the thing about baggage. We all have it. It’s the natural consequence of living life. But most of us pack that shit away so we don’t even know it’s there until something jolts us to become aware of it, and when we become aware of it that’s when we have to deal with it.

And we don’t always become aware of it at convenient times. In fact, I find that most of the time, we become aware of it at decidedly inconvenient times.

And this was a decidedly inconvenient time for me because I had a presentation I had to do to teach people how to be their own best coach as a part of my Unwoke Your Work series.

So, I have to give this presentation about how to help yourself and I’m in a place where I’m falling apart.

I didn’t know if I could do it. I really didn’t. I don’t cry often, but when I do, it’s something that I just don’t have control over because I’ve been pushed to the limit to get the tears to flow in the first place.

But I had already postponed the presentation a week because I was sick last week, and I figured the show much go on.

30 minutes before, I’m wiping tears as I do a final walk through of my presentation deck. And it was a presentation I hadn’t given in this format before, which isn’t exactly like giving a presentation for the first time, but it was still new and unknown.

But about 15 minutes into, some force came over me and I channelled everything I was feeling - the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the feelings of being unworthy - all of it came together and figuratively combusted and this force came over me where I lost myself entirely and just gave myself over to it, operating almost from a muscle memory that I didn’t know I had developed.

I gave one of the best presentations of my life.

It wasn’t perfect….but the energy behind it was and so even where there were flaws, I can’t even be upset about it because the force with which they were delivered made them perfect.

That wasn’t me. That was God putting his hand on my shoulders and saying “we’re going to get through this, girl.”

And after I was done, having had the fire flow through me for 90 full minutes, I felt like the most powerful person in the world.

After a while, everything started to settle and I started feeling the same feelings from before, and even started crying again. But this time, it was different. Sure, I was still sad and feeling all these things I didn’t want to feel, but after experiencing being the most powerful person in the world, it all seemed more manageable.

People can be ripped apart. They’re human, after all. But you’re never on your own. No matter what any human does to break your heart or hurt you, God will always be there to flow through you and help you land softly…if you allow it.

Sometimes, the broken heart will usher it in because you just don’t have the power to fight it. It’s like you try to close the door, but you don’t have the strength to make sure it’s fully closed and locked…so God pops right up and pushes it open with one finger as though it was the weakest barrier in the world.

When you don’t (or can’t) fight it, that’s when magic happens.

Try it sometime. You’ll feel fucking amazing.