What I learned staring into the abyss of toxcity.
I subjected myself to a fair bit of toxicity today engaging with people who have so much pain they haven't dealt with that you can feel it oozing out of them through a computer screen.
They are willfully unaware of how toxic they are, and so their toxicity will only get worse.
On one hand, I'm proud of myself that I didn't allow their toxicity to impact me. Six months ago, I would have. Thankfully, dark nights of the soul are a plentiful time for spiritual growth...and man, have I grown a lot.
I've learned so many lessons about who I don't want to be.
But on the other, it was just so sad.
I felt like I was on a high perch watching a group of raving animals screech at each other for hours with no awareness that there is a large world outside of the cage they're all trapped in.
They think what they see is all that exists.
It's like when you look into those lion pits at the zoo from an elevated place. You can see the lions and they may have some sense you're there, but you're looking into their world.
They're not looking into yours.
They have no sense of what exists outside of their enclosure.
Except it was even worse than that, because you hope that lions in a zoo are happy and taken care of. Food, water, toys, loving caretakers, etc...
These people didn't have any of those things.
They were not happy people, desperately seeking the approval of their fellow captives
It felt rather like an episode of the Twilight Zone. You know the one - The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street.
The one where aliens are sitting on a faraway hill watching humanity destroy themselves.
They think "we don't even need to do anything but make a few lights flicker."
Toxicity is almost entirely self-induced. There's no reason for it.
The poorest, most oppressed people in the world can love themselves.
These people chose the opposite.
It was staring into the depth that toxicity could bring you, a place where there are few chances of return.
It's almost like staring into another dimension.
You're in a dimension where things are pretty calm and even-keeled and you're generally enjoying life and the people you surround yourself with.
And they're living in a dimension of insanity.
They can't see into your dimension because they've blinded themselves to its existence.
They feel so badly about themselves that they can't see the possibility of something better.
You can see how much better things could for them, but they can't see it themselves.
But I'm learning a lot about toxicity by watching them.
I'm learning how hard it is to see outside your cage.
Someone could be holding out a hand to help saying YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IN THERE...and they just can't see it.
They can't see outside the toxic prison they've created.
I'm learning it's dangerous to look into their world.
When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.
The longer you stare in, the more dangerous it is.
It's very easy to get sucked into their world, even if you know you're getting sucked into absolute lunacy.
I'm learning how truly pathetic these people are.
They're the types that might inspire you to make a face in disgust as they approach, the one where you wrinkle your nose and cock your head as though you've just smelled something sour.
It's so sad. They almost don't look human.
And they look small.
Insignificant.
Almost feral.
Like they're scared children curled up in the corner in the fetal position.
They'll lash out at anyone and anything that comes for them because they are so broken without realizing they may be offering a hand to help.
I thought I knew what it meant to say "you can't release people from prisons they've created for themselves."
But I had no idea.
They literally couldn't see outside of their prison.
They can only release themselves if they first realize a world exists outside of it.
Really think about that for a second.
Say you're a doll. You have to learn that there is a whole other world outside of the toybox that you're in.
You only see the toy box. You've only ever known the toybox. How can you possibly see that a world exists outside of the toy box?
In order for them to release themselves from their prisons, they have to conceive of an inconceivable reality.
They have to somehow learn that a whole new world exists outside of the box they're in.
It's an almost impossible task.
Always remember that, no matter what, you can always pull yourself out of that box.
There is a whole new world waiting for you on the other side.
And if a hand reaches inside, they may be coming to help you out. Let them.
If you don't tell yourself this, no one else will.
Mmm thinking we are coming out of a fair amount of angst. It is the common thread on the other side of this imposed craziness. But beauty, joy, reopening to hope seem possible and necessary. I'm learning to let go; still working on it.